Of Fleas and Women

And how do you break a woman?

Artwork by ali.ozelbt336278

Did you know that fleas can jump two feet high and 100 times their body length in distance?

There’s a familiar analogy of fleas being trapped in a jar, where after being confined for so long, they become conditioned to their boundaries. After hitting themselves against the glass, which I assume is painful, the fleas don’t dare jump as they once did or are born to do–even when the lid is removed.

I’ve seen parallels between these fleas and women that come from my community. We are free to have dreams and aspirations, so long as we don’t breach the set boundaries. Growing up, I was often asked, “Where do you want to get married?” “How many children will you have?” Being single or childless was never presented as an option.

When people explained why it was important for me to get an education, the first reason was typically “Just in case something happens to your husband.” Instead of, “Because you’re a child of God.”

That’s when I started to see how the jar shapes self-worth. When our environment treats us as backup plans first and children of God second, we begin to see ourselves that way—and we act accordingly.

After hearing, “That’s a great goal, but is it a good mom job?” so many times, I started making a mental list of careers I wasn’t allowed to pursue. Jobs like doctor, journalist, lawyer, or anything that didn’t allow me to be available at every beck and call of my future husband or children.

Our desires are never sought because we are not permitted to desire.

I watched as my dreams and plans to be self-sustaining were subtly dismissed. I watched other women around me sacrifice their individuality for an existence that revolved around someone else’s plans. Dreams are to be shared with our spouse or children, but never to be our own. 

Our sons and daughters, though born of the same family, are raised with different resources. 

I often wonder what choices I would have made, or at the bare minimum, felt like I could have made if I watched women lead in every category that the men were allowed to do.

I often wonder about the subtle yet impactful difference it would have made in my young self-worth, if my mind had been encouraged to take risks because I could testify of an abundance of women (I personally knew) who did it themselves.

But in reality, my fellow sisters and I had mentors who were just as bound as we were, whose own dreams had been quietly shut down. We were trained to be side characters in our own stories—told that our real purpose was to remain ready to orbit a family that didn’t yet exist. When the time finally comes, and without much discussion with our partners, we automatically take on the burden of domestic labor like it’s our default setting.

After years of being immersed in this environment, you won’t need to send me a long list of do’s and don’ts, or tell me what I can or can’t do.

I just won’t.

And so, the cycle of confinement continues.

But was this truly God’s vision for us? Did the divine plan for us to mistake the "pang!" of hitting the jar's limits for divine direction and approval? Did Jesus want women to shine their light under such tight conditions? How could the Creator of snowflakes and fingerprints want women to make nearly identical decisions and live identical lives?

For being relentlessly warned that the world will confuse us, the jar has probably confused me the most.

Lead, but never preside. Pang!
Decide, but only with permission. Pang!
Speak, but not in disagreement. Pang!

When a man decides to leave his home and serve the Lord for two years, it is seen as a great sacrifice and honor since the world so desperately needs his service and authority.

For a woman, the same decision is cut short by six months. She is denied opportunities to lead and grow. Despite her blood, sweat, and tears, her service will be described as “nice, but not necessary.”

When I go into the workforce, will my male colleagues see me as “nice, but not necessary”?
Will my fulfillment in providing for my family be seen as “nice, but not necessary”?
In the next life, will I also be treated like we treat my Divine Mother as “nice, but not necessary”?¹

For the men, I ask you to pause and reflect on your upbringing. Think of the mentors you had—the ones you saw every week who encouraged you to excel in your education and career, the adults who inspired you, and the moments when you served the afflicted, performed ordinances, or held leadership positions that helped you grow in empathy. Think of the last six months of your mission, the languages you finally grasped, the spiritual growth you experienced, and the learned lessons that shaped who you are.         

Now, imagine erasing those moments from your life. Would you be the person you are today? Surely not.

And yet, for women like me, that absence is our reality.

Why wouldn’t you want those experiences for me, your wife, and your daughters too?

When a woman speaks up and asks, “Why am I being treated differently for how I was born?” She's often asked to place that concern on an imaginary shelf and pretend it isn’t there. If she tries to do something about it, she’s socially or literally excommunicated. 

“She clearly doesn’t understand God.” Pang!
“That is not what we believe.” Pang!
“She’s just power-hungry.” Pang!
“Well, I don’t feel limited in this jar and I’m a woman!” Pang!

Growing up, I was often told that women were born more virtuous and obedient than their male counterparts, which is why God was asking more of men. But in truth, it was never our nature—we've simply been broken in, like wild horses.

And how do you break a woman?

Limit her aspirations.
Deny her opportunities for service and leadership.
Keep her dependent and vulnerable to resentment, financial ruin, and abuse.
Convince her that she is seen as an equal when she’s both culturally and systematically not.
Train her to tolerate, and defend, all the above.

Did the Almighty plan for us to believe in love and justice for others, but not for ourselves? Was it part of the divine plan to obscure our vision, preventing us from recognizing inequity and abuse in our own lives? Do our Heavenly Parents want us to be content with the crumbs we've been given when what They’ve planned for us is a feast?

Surely no.

As the world turns, we are expected to sit, stay, and wait patiently for others to change their minds at their convenience. We are asked to endure discomfort so everyone else can comfortably catch up.

I'm not sure what's worse—generations of placing limits on human beings, or the apathy in watching it happen. Mothers, sisters, and wives are confined to backup plans or orbiting moons, with no urgency to remove those limits.

I wonder if my Divine Mother grieves for us. Surely, She watches as we're given mere crumbs of progress, just enough to keep us quiet and drag us along a little longer.

One year, they’ll let women say prayers in conferences.²
Five years later, we are no longer covenanting to our husbands and can covenant directly to God (like the men have always done).³
Who knows–maybe in ten years, women will be allowed to sit on the stand.⁴

Will I die waiting for change?

Even when the lid is removed, and I’ve crawled my way out of the unjust boundaries, I still carry the baggage of my environment wherever I go.

I believe in women’s potential, but somehow not my own. Pang!
I know women are strong and brave, but I doubt my strength. Pang!
I wonder if wanting more—if going to graduate school or pursuing a career—is selfish. Pang!

The temptation to return to the ways of confinement is strong—confinement is where many of our loved ones reside, it’s where our traditions and community were born. But a lifetime of shrinking isn’t worth the thirty seconds of praise at a funeral that only a man can conduct.

It is a wonder picturing what life would be like, what society would be like, had women been supported rather than contained.

1. “Mother in Heaven” Gospel Topics Essays

2. “A Woman’s Prayer Makes Mormon History” NPR

3. “LDS Church changes temple ceremony; faithful feminists will see revisions and additions as a ‘leap forward’” Salt Lake Tribune

4. “‘A slap in the face’: LDS Relief Society leaders ordered off the stand” Salt Lake Tribune